Bruce Bochy Found Dazed, Aimlessly Meandering Around Globe Life Stadium After Astros Shellacking

Bruce Bochy Found Dazed, Aimlessly Meandering around Globe Life Stadium

Editorial Notation: the following introduction “Bruce Bochy Found Dazed, Aimlessly Meandering around Globe Life Stadium” is intended as a satire on the 2023 MLB season and a parody of the Astros vs. Rangers rivalry. 

RICHMOND, Virginia —  “Rosebud,” mumbled Texas Rangers manager Bruce Bochy, after his team, a shell of its former first-place self, got shelled by the Houston Astros for the third straight night, 12-3. “Please make it stop,” Bochy said when found by a security guard aimlessly meandering under the bullpen well after the ballpark was cleaned out.

The once-revered manager of the San Francisco Giants was coaxed out of retirement by his team’s billionaire owner. “I used to play golf, where’s the clubhouse back nine? Please take me there,” he reportedly told late night security officials.

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Instead, he was rushed to a Dallas all-night 24 hour help-center, where he was immediately diagnosed with “shell-shock” -a  form of baseball PTSD. This occurs when too many opposing home runs are hit, and the mere sound of a loud noise makes the patient dive under a bed for cover. The Astros pounded out 15 home runs in three games.

When asked if he could manage again this season, Bochy’s only response was: “Are they gone yet? Please tell me they are gone!”

Bochy was also treated for “blank stare – gazing into nowhere syndrome” – a symptom caused by 29 blown saves and a bullpen ERA of 10.00.

Team officials asked the MLB if the Rangers could play the rest of their games only against Oakland, for medical purposes. A new social media hashtag is trending: #FreeBochy

Rangers officials were concerned about their manager’s well-being and immediately sought a second medical opinion.

Unnamed sources, not authorized to talk to the press said Bochy is now diagnosed with “Tony LaRussa-Itis” – a rare mental disease that happens to over-the-hill managers who come out of retirement to manage major league teams with no pitching. Doctors prescribed twenty rounds of mini-golf with giraffes and swans and two ice cream cones a day. Supper is mashed peas followed by Gilligan’s Island reruns.

2023 MLB Godzilla Season Stats

Minus -$765

2023 MLB Godzilla Season Stats

*Based on all wagers at $100 per game at money or run line odds as specified in Draft Kings. Note: If money line is -$150, we are laying $150 to win $100, etc.  If we take +$130 and we win, we win $130 for our $100.

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Picks For Thursday, Sept. 7, 2023

We got burned by the Blue Jays yet once again yesterday, and while going 2-2 we lost -$60. This expands our season deficit to minus -$760. I’m done with Toronto.

Games for today that we like:

Tigers at Yankees (-160) 

The Baby Yanks have won five straight the new kids they brought up have injected some spark in this otherwise dead ball club. Carlos Rondon looked better against Houston last week then he has in a long time. They baby-Yanks are on the verge of their second straight sweep, this one at home. Go with the kiddos.

Pick: Yankees (-160)  

M’s at Rays (+125) 

I love Tampa in this spot at home as an underdog with Zack Little who got bombed last week –giving up nine hits in three innings of work. He’ll turn it around in the cement truck. The Rays are seven games up on the M’s in the wild card race for a reason. They win more games.

Pick: Rays (+125) 

D-Backs at Cubs (-160) 

Ride this Wrigley Train as far as you can. The Cubs are hot, they are focused and they are winning at home. The place is going crazy! Cubs have won four straight and seven of 10. They are closing in on Milwaukee, only 1.5 back.

Pick: Cubs (-160)